When Your Mask Becomes Too Thick

So today I did something that I’ve absolutely never done before.

In all started innocuously enough; I casually mentioned to my friend that the only person who might be able to pick me up after school was my brother, since my parents were leaving today. I had already told her beforehand that my parents were going to be leaving town for a couple of days twice this year, this being the first. I told her it was for medical reasons, but she didn’t know the specifics.

My friends sitting at our table heard and asked why my parents weren’t going to be home, and started asking specifics. My closest friend, the one sitting next to me, had already found out the core of the problem two years earlier; that my dad had kidney troubles. I had to divulge the fact that he was being put on more donor lists and had to travel to hospitals in different states to everyone at the table. Then I had to sit there and endure everyone asking questions and asking if I was alright.

Don’t get me wrong; of course it’s a serious matter and of course I’m not happy about it. But as I sat there with a smile and waved each of their concerns away, they all stated the same thing. Wow, she doesn’t even really care. The thing is though, is that I have known about this problem for years. I have cried about it before, I have worried about it before, and I have pushed away the worst possibilities and chosen to in part ignore it and in part be optimistic. My parents like to keep the details away from me, and I let them.

But as I sat there, and listened to them tell me that it was okay and that it was okay to be sad, they forced me to think about it. They forced me to address something, that I only fret about once in a blue moon, right there at the table. They brought my attention to something I run away from, unless I’m in the safety of my room, hidden away from the world.

So I let them ask their questions as I mostly turned away and picked at my food, and they again noted that I wasn’t affected in the slightest. That’s when I got a bit concerned. Did they not notice how I was avoiding the situation and turning myself away? Did they not notice the extra sheen in my eyes, the giveaway that something was building behind them? Had my armor really gotten that thick that no one even noticed if anything was wrong anymore?

I am not the kind of person who openly shares deep concerns or emotions. I smile; everyday. I hide behind that smile. Maybe I think that if I just smile, everything will get better. And I never let it crack.

But today, a minute or two after attention had shifted, my friend turned to me and asked, “But are you okay? Really, are you okay?” I had been sitting there and letting their comments battle around in my head. My train of thought was getting out of hand and the inner turmoil was beginning. I smiled and then gave a little rueful laugh as my eyes started brimming with tears. Jokingly, I commented, “Too late now!”. And I started crying. Right in the middle of the cafeteria, in front of all of my friends. And I smiled the entire time, hastily wiping tears away as each of them escaped my eyes.

The thing is, it wasn’t even all about family troubles. Sometimes it feels like our bodies cease to communicate with thoughts; they just run on pure emotions. Small things build up inside until all you feel is a burning, or aching, in the pit of your stomach. And thinking about one bad thing is enough to get that ball of emotion raging inside of you, and that’s what can set a person off.

This week, I found out that I was rejected for a position I applied for. I took a practice SAT test and didn’t even improve since the last time I took one. My parents left for a three day trip. And as ridiculous as it sounds, a fictional character on a TV show got his future hopes and dreams crushed and all I could think about was how I could end up just like that. No plans, no chance at getting into a college like William and Mary or UVA, no leadership positions to put on my applications; nothing special about me. I have the confidence to admit that I’m good at a lot of things. Dancing, playing the violin, academics, writing. But I don’t excel at anything. I’ll never be the president or the leader or the master of a skill; I’ll always be in the back, simply adequate. When I used to approach tasks, I told myself that I would succeed but it would be okay if I failed. Now my mindset is I’ll probably fail, but hey, it’d be awesome if I actually succeeded. To be honest, my self-confidence has been shot for as long as I can remember. My social awkwardness, fear of basically everything, and insecurity have all stemmed from how uncertain I am in my ability to do anything or be anything.

I now sit here, typing (sorry, venting) all of my feelings before you as tears stream down my face as I address all of my darkest fears and insecurities. If one could express emotions as physical feelings, I would say anger is like a fire burning in your heart. Happiness is a lightness in your feet. And sadness is a drowning in your very own mind.

I’m so sorry for this ridiculously personal and angst-ridden post. This may make it seem like I’m chronically depressed or suicidal or something but honest to god, I’m not. I generally bounce between emotions often, so you can bet that in twenty minutes, I’ll be singing in the shower or something.

Are these emotions something that you guys can relate to? Have you ever realized that you’re so closed off from that world that even the people closest to you have no idea when you’re hurting? I’d love to hear your thoughts, and I hope you have a lovely day. And also, I’ve hit 11k views! I never would have imagined that that was possible when I started this blog a year ago, so thank you to all of my subscribers (who stay even when I never post) and random stragglers

Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, go wish one of my dearest friends happy birthday tomorrow (aka Friday)! Thomas, I really hope you don’t stumble across this post until at least Saturday so it won’t be a downer; if you do, sorry in advance!

Tags: family troubles, fears, future, life, mask, problems, writing this has actually made me feel better so dont worry!

Periods

A couple months ago, I had some clothes lying around in my bathroom. They were put to the side because they had blood stains on them. My mom saw them and told me not to leave them around like that because my brother might see.

That, is ridiculous. One week from every month in my life SUCKS, and I have to take my brother into consideration while dealing with it? In fact, this is what almost all girls are taught. That cycles are to be ashamed of, something to be hidden away, and talked about in secret. It’s taboo to bring it up in public, and is considered awkward to discuss. And God forbid a guy overhears.

Periods make guys uncomfortable. But that’s the thing. You don’t deserve to feel uncomfortable. You’re not the one who has to deal with them on a regular basis. Men don’t deserve to have women hide them away. For once, I’d like to be able to ask a friend for a pad and not talk in ‘code’. Not have to pass them around secretly under a table and slip them into sleeves. But I have to, and I’m probably going to for a while.

And I know that not everyone is like this. A lot of women and men are more open about it, but the majority of society is still secretive about it. And considering that the world’s population consists of slightly more females than males, you’d think things would be different. But perhaps the patriarchal society from our past is still bleeding into our present. (heh, gettit?) If you need more proof, consider the war on women, where politicians are STILL trying to restrict women’s rights. (By the way, if you want my opinion on the matter: I refuse to even argue with people who support taking away government funding on birth control as long as Viagra is still funded; that should be reason enough.)

Anyways, the message I’d like to deliver is simple: Women have periods. Get over it.

This post shouldn’t make me embarrassed,  but it does. Because that is how I’ve been trained to feel.

 

By the way, this post was inspired by the slightly more vulgar and aggressive post by Cara. I highly suggest you read it: http://itscandidlycara.tumblr.com/post/19358665353/so-i-woke-up-this-morning-in-a-pool-of-my-own-blood

Oh, and the title? It happens to me, and pretty much all girls, on a fairly regular basis. Maybe with a little insight, men can be a bit more sympathetic towards us and our monthly plights.

Tags: girls, menstrual cycle, period, periods

One Year Anniversary!

So a couple days ago it was Klaine’s (Kurt and Blaine’s, from Glee) anniversary. Which made me realize that I’ve also had my blog for over a year! Woohoo! So thanks to everyone who’s been reading my posts, whether you’re following me or just stumbling across something that interests you. I’ve had a great time writing things for this blog, and I hope that I’ll be able to keep posting things regularly (:

Speaking of posts, I have one coming today! It’s going to be very awkward and uncomfortable, but that’s the point. See you then!

Darn you Glee, you’ve spoiled me and my stats >_>

By the way, almost 10k views guys! Thanks a bunch!

Tags: blog, curry, klaine, one year anniversary

Glee Review: On My Way

This episode of Glee was predicted to be extremely controversial and many fans expected to hate it before they had seen it, suspecting that Glee would not be able to handle the issue of suicide delicately and appropriately. I believe that they did an adequate job with it. Warning! Spoilers ahead and possible trigger warning.

The show starts off with students at Karofsky’s school calling him ‘fag’ and bullying him (in real life and via internet). There was a montage of his depression leading up to him attempting suicide. I felt that the whole scene was a bit rushed and could have delved a bit more into actual emotion; Kurt suffered through such things for a year (and it should be said that Karofsky himself did them to Kurt) and Karofsky broke after one day. They could have developed more on why.

The next few scenes are where the controversy grows. Everyone at McKinley proceeds to grieve and feel remorse for Karofsky. The teachers say that they should have noticed his struggles that were evident from his bullying. Kurt feels that it’s his fault because he rejected Karofsky and ignored his phone calls.

Many advocate the next statement, and it is one hundred percent true: You can’t blame the victim of bullying for not helping their bully. That in itself sounds wrong. Kurt had no moral obligation to reach out to a boy who harassed and emotionally/physically/sexually harmed him. I believe that Glee didn’t do a good job of emphasizing this until the hospital scene, where of all places you hear Karofsky himself tell Kurt that he didn’t deserve kindness for all the terrible things he had done. That scene was commendable, and in a way makes up for anything Glee hadn’t addressed beforehand. In fact that scene was very well-done in my opinion. I love that they both understand that Kurt doesn’t need to help Dave, but he still does because he is the bigger person; he is a kind and compassionate person with a HUGE heart.

Also, the auditorium scene was VERY well done, and simply for the subject they touched on; everyone who ever wants to commit suicide has a reason. And their reason may sound stupid or completely insignificant, but you never realize how much that one thing got to them or meant to them. A mean comment from a parent might be the one thing that sets them into a depression they can’t get out of; a person in a normal state of mind might say ‘suck it up’ or ‘it was just one stupid comment’. But different things affect people in different ways. If a person really feels like committing suicide, their reason is never stupid to them; and that’s the point. It’s THEIR reason; they want to take their life because something made them feel sad.

Lastly, one line really hit me; when Emma said “Then whose job is it?” It’s basically saying, yes, Karofsky was a bully. It was no one’s job to be nice to a bully, and no one expects you to. But they are still human, and one aspect of being a kind human is always helping others. Karofsky’s actions can never be justified, but can your actions be justified when you ignore a person in need because of the past?

I think that covers all the controversy that I wanted to address; now random things as I remember them will go below! Overall, the episode was obviously not perfect but they did a decent job with such a touchy subject.

~Sebastian; no apology can make up for the things he’s done but it’s never too late to redeem yourself. I love that Glee is always going back to the message of supporting others and putting the past behind you. And he had a scene with Dave; oh my goodness!!! That was terrible (the things the character said, not the scene) but I never thought I’d ever see those two interact so that was cool.

~Blaine and Santana rapping together. That is all.

~Darren and Vanessa are two of the best background actors; hugging/imitating vampires? Made my day.

~I love that they went through with giving the Trouble-Tones their own performance. You know that that’s something they could have easily ignored. By the way, all the regional songs were excellent (although the Rachel solos are getting old).

~Klaine holding hands ^_^

~Tina saying she needs songs, tumblr being mentioned…good job Glee

~Le Roy and Hiram are still awesome and hilarious; the fake seizure, Carole’s feminine wiles  ^_^

~Quinn she’ll be fine though, this is Glee

I think that’s all! Thanks for reading this long post Please comment because I love to hear what readers think!

P.S. Happy One Year Anniversary to Klaine!

Tags: faberry, finchel, glee, karofsky, klaine, on my way, quinn, suicide

Woohoo!

Hey guys! I want to just make an incredibly short post saying this: Thanks for 6,000 views! I just hit 6 grand and it feels pretty awesome; if this blog were a youtube video that would be a decent amount of views, don’t ya think? Also I just wanted to let all readers know that the one thing I love the most about writing posts is seeing comments on them; it makes everything feel more real when I share things with the world and the world talks back! So even if you’re just passing through here, never be shy to leave a short response.

The Hunger Games

I read the Hunger Games (the first book at least) about two years ago. It’s hard to not fall in love; the tragic story-lines, pulling suspense, and bittersweet romance are all blended perfectly in this dramatic book. And now there’s a movie coming out in a couple of months! Many fans are concerned with whether the movie will live up to the fans expectations; Hollywood seems to have a tendency to ruin things. But does it really? The magical thing about books is that the words the author gives you are the tools for your imagination. There’s no way a movie can live up to your expectations because every reader has created, and essentially read, a different story. The best a movie can do is to simply try to create a general “blanket” of a movie that covers as many peoples visions as possible.

Despite what you’ve imagined for the appearance or the mannerisms of each character, the cast has been chosen and can’t please everyone. It’s best to take what they give us and accept that whatever you see on the screen will not change the book in any way. Treat the movie as an enhancement to the book; the best it can do is deliver the same emotions experienced by the readers in a visually and audibly tangible way. Speaking of audio, who else has already experienced numerous emotions  just by listening to Taylor Swift’s new song “Safe and Sound”? It’s so haunting and soft and tragic! This song can give me chills and tears. I may have already listened to it 15 times…

I know that the movie won’t be perfect because that would be impossible. And yet I am filled with excitement and anxiousness as I await the release of the movie. I simply cannot wait! Even the trailer gave me goosebumps, which gives me hope for the movie. Just thinking about all the ways they can pair anguishing scenes with powerful music moves me. For lack of a better term, I hope the movie is ‘epic’.

Tags: gale, katniss, movie, peeta, prim, rue, safe and sound, taylor swift, the hunger games

Glee Review: Michael

A quick summary on my thoughts for today’s Glee…perhaps I should do these every episode? Lemme know!

-You’re a vegetable

-Santana and Kurt interaction! I love when she’s nice and defends her friends ^_^

-Sebastians a jerk. But it’s okay because he got owned at the end! By the way, did that last performance remind anyone of Give Up the Funk? (which is one of my all-time favorite performances of Glee)

-I love when they don’t play dirty and do the right thing

-Rachel shouldn’t say yes, they should be able to be in a relationship without making such serious promises to each other. But I’m guessing that scene with Quinn and Rachel made a lot of Faberry shippers happy

-Sorry, but it kind of made me mad that Quinn got into Yale. They have their characters pay barely any attention to school and then decide to go to an Ivy League, and easily get in? However I am glad that she’s finally stable and on her feet. She’s really grown!

-I never realized how much I liked Chord’s voice until now…maybe it’s gotten better while he was gone? Now it’s just full of so much soul!

-Blaine stepping in front of Kurt-eeeiii! He’s such a good boyfriend.

-I refuse to believe that Artie performed Scream. That was Kevin McHale the entire time. Also, I laugh when they used to convince us that Mike couldn’t sing.

-Smooth Criminal! I was more excited for 2CELLOS, who I have been obsessed with since my orchestra teacher showed them to us. It was simply amazing.

-Naya’s voice is amazing. That is all.

-She doesn’t know how to lock doors ^_^

-Kurt and his dad; always the best scenes. That was freaking adorable, I love both of them.

-Eyepatch. He’s a pirate, guys!

-Yay, they got into NYADA!

-That face morph thing near the end; Kurt morphed into Rory. Family resemblance right there!

-Trent, aka the Sassy Warbler, is an awesome person. However it worried me that he’s the only one who was honorable throughout all of this. Why are the writers making the Warblers bad guys?

-I am LOVING on how they’re calling Will out on not being a good Spanish teacher. It’s kind of hilarious.

Sorry none of this is in chronological order; I typed them as I thought about the episode

Tags: 2cellos, artie, black or white, blaine, brittana, faberry, finchel, glee, human nature, I wanna be starting something, klaine, michael, michael jackson, mike, NYADA, quinn, santana, scream, slushie, smooth criminal, warblers