Tag Archives: high school

Life…Purpose and Direction

1 Dec

So life has been kind of rough lately.

College deadlines are fast approaching, grade pressures are at an all time high, and anxiety permeates every part of my and other senior’s lives. I’ve been feeling like crap for the past few days and have cried more than I have in the past few months combined…and yet I can’t pinpoint an exact reason.

The SAT Subjects tests aren’t that important. I know that.

Grades aren’t worth beating myself up about them. I know that.

Application essays aren’t the deciding factor of my admission or my life. I know that.

And apparently, the college I go to for undergrad doesn’t even really matter that much. So why do I always spiral into never-ending whirlpools of self-loathing, fear, and doubt? Because when everything is individualized, I acknowledge that each is not life-or-death important. But once everything is combined, it’s suddenly a collection of my inadequacy. It’s proof on paper of how I can never be good enough, right there alongside my pathetic compilation of barely completed essays.

I know no one wants to read a self-thrown pity party. I am however going to take a segway real quick and try to figure out who I am really doing all this for-does my need for success stem from needing to please others, or myself?

I don’t think I really strive for success to please my parents-I’m actually getting a little fed up with their method of parenting. Neither of my parents really put any effort into seeing how I’m doing in school. Besides continually asking how much homework I have each night, they never prompt more when I always answer “some”-which is perhaps why I never offer more myself. They don’t inquire about upcoming tests or quizzes or help me with homework and studying, but still reprimand me when my grades aren’t so great. Today my father interrogated me on how much of my SAT review book I had gone through-an hour after I had already taken the test. As their child, I’m not a machine where they can press a button and expect a prize to come out without any effort on their part. They care, yet they don’t try. And regretfully, that attitude has been passed on to me.

I also don’t really feel like I’m mature enough to be aware if I strive for greatness for myself. When I picture getting 100’s in all my classes, I imagine pure joy. Yet when I snap out of the daydream, I don’t feel any renewed motivation to try harder in school. I don’t use stress as a motivator to push myself harder; stress to me is instead like a bulldozer, crushing me into the ground while I remain helpless. I don’t know if I’m simply unable to turn anxiety into a good thing, or if I just don’t because everything seems too hard-but every time I question whether I’m trying enough, I assure myself that it’s just laziness, which makes me feel even worse.

When I imagine getting into a bad school, all that comes to mind is all of my peers getting into better schools. That’s all I’ve become consumed with-not the value of my own education, but whether it’s good enough compared to everyone else’s. I do things to prove to myself and others that yes, I am capable. If I do bad on a test, I don’t feel bad if I know I still did better than everyone else in my class. I don’t live by looking at my life-I live looking at everyone else’s.

Anyways, what I’ve come to realize is that this mindset needs to stop. I don’t know where my self-confidence went, if I ever even had any at all, but I cannot let negativity permeate into my future, especially in college.

Everyone has felt inadequacy before. But what one does with his or her past is what defines his or her future. Whatever I do from this point forward, it should be for me. And I need to set some goals-and start coming up with reasons for why I strive to achieve them.

I hope that if any of you can empathize with my emotions here, that even if I can’t admit it to myself yet, you come to realize that nothing is worth too much stress. You do have self-worth and if you’re in the same habits as I am, stop comparing yourself to other people around you. College application season makes everyone painfully aware of the competition around them, and simply looking at people supposedly better than you is just taking a lit match to your own self-esteem.

My best regards for anyone feeling pressured, and I invite you to drop me a comment so I can see how many of you share the same feelings! As always, thank you so much for reading (:

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Procrastination…A Never Changing Habit

31 Oct

I looked at this and giggled 🙂 Via onlinelearningtips.com.

Dear Me,

This is yourself from the past. I’m here to tell you that you can’t procrastinate on homework all weekend long until Sunday. That just isn’t going to cut it anymore. Believe you me, I know how hard it is to not just plop down and laze through Fridays; you just had a stressful week and need to mindlessly plow through the internet, right? Well that does get mind-numbing and boring after a while, so here’s a compromise: every Friday you can do whatever you want until 6 o’ clock, and then you have to start on some of your homework that is due Monday. And for regular school nights, do some homework before even going on the computer because once you start, you know that you have too little self-control to stop. Please do this for me, okay? Make this year as non-stressful as possible.

Kthnxbai, Me.

 

About 7 months ago, I created a post about procrastination and how it deeply afflicted me…fast forward to now, and it is apparent that not only is it still here, but it’s even worse than before. It is currently ten o’ clock on a school night and I have yet to do my physics and English homework. This used to never be this big of a problem; but as of late, it has gotten worse.

The fact that I recently got a tumblr and twitter is definitely one of the biggest issues; it’s as if it’s suddenly my life goal to stalk and fan-girl over celebrities. Not the best time to be in the most important year of high school, I must say.

TAKE MY MUG!

In my first post, I wrote this: “I’m currently taking a few difficult classes and I am not looking forward to next year when I take 4 AP’s which include an incredibly hard calculus class.” Let me just say, last year was a joke compared to this year. I wasn’t looking forward to this year and I’m not too happy to be in it right now. Some advice for younger readers: Every single year of school you go through is a walk in the park compared to the next year. And you’ll think this every single year. My classes aren’t necessarily too bad, but because of the earlier mentioned distractions, my brain hasn’t adjusted to the work load. I guess I just have to suck it up and do the work; I was doing just fine for the first month of school.

“Which brings me to my next topic; procrastination. I’m a horrible sufferer of procrastination, and I can never seem to stop. I guess I’m just very lazy and have a hard time pushing myself until I get to a desperate ‘deadline’ point. It hasn’t gotten to where I’m struggling to finish things the day of, in school.” Things haven’t changed much, and I’m starting to feel guilt and even anxiety about this. I still don’t stay up past 11:30, which many say is an accomplishment for a high schooler, but I’d rather go back to a life where 10:30 is staying up late.

I guess the main reason I’m writing this post is for me to examine my bad habits, acknowledge them, and work towards a better life style. So here’s a more specific compromise to go with the one I created above: tomorrow, Glee (the show I love) comes back from its month long hiatus. You must finish ALL of your homework before watching it. Alright? Good girl.

 

By the way, for any long time followers (if I have more than one, yay!) I have a presentation coming up in 3 days. Nothing big; small class that I’m very comfortable in, only one paragraph to read; but that still doesn’t stop my instinctual body reaction to any public speaking; my heart pounds and my breathing goes haywire. Earlier this year I had to read a paragraph out loud and almost died; yikes. Maybe I should consider a public speaking class? My school has a debate team that I could check out.

Anyways, thanks for reading! And now go back to doing your homework, you procrastinators! 😉