Tag Archives: life

The Debilitation of Loneliness

12 Nov

I’ve been in a very strange place as of late.

I’m currently more than half way done with the fall semester of my sophomore year at college and I’d been thinking that things have been decent overall, all matters of privilege and opportunities considered. I’m on route to discovering what I want to do with my life, I have a good amount of extracurriculars, and my classes are going reasonably well. But this whole semester, the same question has sprouted up, time and time again: who am I?

I’ve always held the belief that in life, you don’t find yourself; you create yourself. But I’ve felt such a disconnect lately from the things I’ve always told myself that I wanted, and what I am currently passionate about. I’m left feeling unsure of who I am, who I want to become, and how I can go about becoming that person.

Earlier today, I had a moment of stunning clarity: I am very lonely. I’ve only been slightly cognizant of this fact the entire semester, but shook it off because the feeling came and went and I told myself to focus on the moments when it was gone. But now I realize that when I step back and examine what my life has been these past few months, I haven’t been living; I’ve merely been surviving day by day. I became so complacent in my routine that I hadn’t even realized how meaningless it sometimes was. It was the mundane tasks that I occupied myself with; go to this class. Then go grab a to-go box for lunch. Then go here. Then you have some free time to spend in your room on the computer. Stepping back, it all seems so tedious and unfulfilling. I barely see the friends I made last year. Things have been rocky with the friends I had from before. My brain feels like such a jumble sometimes and I can barely figure out where to even begin in order to sort it out.

I don’t think I have depression. But I think because I have been subconsciously refusing to acknowledge how lonely I’ve been, the negative emotion has been leaking out in more general ways. I’ve constantly felt unmotivated, unenergized, and dulled down. I’ve been focusing so much on the exterior package of how others perceive me, and I analyze every aspect of myself constantly to make sure there are no cracks in the image. I’m so controlled that sometimes I feel like my body is a puppet, and I am observing myself interact with others within my mind and approving the things I say as I say them. When people ask me questions, such as how I am doing, sometimes I feel that instead of being genuine, I say what I want to be true, or what I think others will want to hear. I think I may occasionally answer that way because I don’t even know how I’m doing; everything feels distant and dulled. It all blends together as the same. I’ve been lacking passion and excitement, and I am now considering that this all ties into how I have been having less human contact lately, or at least meaningful human contact. I feel tired very often; if I were asked to take a nap at any time of the day, I would probably be willing.

Usually I try to write my blog posts in a way that allows me to vent and then wrap it up by considering some options to solve the problem. I’m not sure I know how to do that, though. The obvious answer is to make more efforts to spend time with friends, and seek out meaningful interactions as opposed to unfulfilling, fleeting moments. But I’m worried that I don’t really know how to meaningfully interact with others, at least not right now; how can I share with others the core of who I am, if I am not even sure of that myself? How can I describe my passions, my aspirations, and my day-to-day affairs if they just feel like words that spill from my mouth by habit, rather than interest?

I might write a follow-up soon, now that I’ve become cognizant of all this and can start sorting through it internally. I guess for now, I’m going to seek out more outlets to make my life meaningful as opposed to following routines that have become comfortable but aren’t fulfilling.

Confessions of a Scared, Guilt-Ridden Teenager

25 Jan

I got yelled at today.

By two teachers. I know, I know; it’s not an end-everything moment. But for a student who’s tried to maintain the best standard in school with my grades and teachers, it hurt. A lot. Especially since it mostly wasn’t even my fault. But let me start from the beginning. (Please note that this is purely venting and a way for me to relieve my emotions. I’m a teenager; does that mean I’m qualified to mindless gossip posts once a year? I hope so!)

I’m in an after-school orchestra (which is a class, not an extra-curricular), as well as the music honor society at my school. The orchestra meets every Thursday for about 2 hours while the honor society has 3 meetings this year. Two of those 3 meetings fall on a Thursday. Since it’s all within the music department, there’s usually an agreement between teachers for us to leave the orchestra early and go to the honor society meetings late.

This Thursday was a day when the two would coincide; this was the first meeting for the music honor society. When class began, our teacher explained that she would like us to miss the meeting for the honor society, because we’re allowed to miss one meeting a year and we had a concert coming up very quickly. I had already been planning on leaving with my friend, but I immediately checked my agenda to see if I would miss the other two meetings, to see if I could stay. I noticed that the last meeting fell on a Tuesday in April…book club meetings were on Tuesdays. I panicked. I had no idea if that was a book club day or not, but I didn’t want to take any chances since I was on the board for book club. I figured it wasn’t that big of a deal.

When the halfway mark came for people to go to the meeting, people began standing up. My teacher started going through them one by one, asking for their reason for leaving, and telling them to sit down if it wasn’t good enough. I was still sitting; I looked to the friend I was going to leave with, and she gave me a determined look. We stood up and put our violins away, and right before leaving our teacher asked us what our reason for going was. There was a class of about 60 students watching.

I said I couldn’t go to the next meeting, and was about to say it was because of book club when my friend began talking. This is when it all went downhill.

My friend has been mad at my teacher for a while now; she doesn’t like the way the teacher acts or runs her class. So in front of the entire class, she said she was leaving because she didn’t know if she could make the other two meetings, and basically said it in a very rude and sassy way.

The teacher paused. She didn’t exactly start yelling, but gave her a lecture on priorities and said very passionately that she should have planned ahead of time and been responsible. When she finished, she turned away. I was stunned. I had no idea what to do. My teacher hadn’t asked me why I was leaving, and I hadn’t said one word of disrespect. But she had turned away already…so I left. My friend and I walked out and went to the meeting, and I spent the next half hour in a panicked, mortified daze.

The moment the meeting ended, I rushed to my teacher’s room and waited for her to come out. The moment she did, I explained that I hadn’t gotten a chance to say so earlier, but that I had a book club meeting during the third honor society meeting. She explained that I’ve always been responsible about these things and that she knows it wasn’t my fault. I went home that day relieved that she wasn’t mad at me, guilty because I wasn’t even sure if there was a meeting, and still embarrassed because of my friend.

Today in my regular orchestra class, my friend and I were asked to step outside the classroom. Waiting in their office were the band and choir directors. They explained that other students had come and told them about an altercation between us and our teacher before we left for their meeting. They gave us a very stern lecture and said how our behavior was inexcusable and that they would not allow two honor society members to tarnish the name of their honor society or use it as an excuse to get out of class. I stayed completely silent the entire time, nodding with wide eyes.  My friend started arguing back again, and they explained that we are not allowed to be disrespectful towards any teacher no matter what. They said our behavior was deplorable and that we were strongly encouraged to apologize to our teacher.

After about 2 minutes, they let us go back to class. My mind was reeling. Had none of the students told them that I hadn’t said a word during the entire altercation they saw? Had my teacher not let them know that I had already apologized to her and explained myself?

I didn’t tell them that it wasn’t my fault, because I didn’t want to basically blame everything on my friend, despite the fact that she was the disrespectful one. But since it was her fault, I expected her to step up and tell them herself that I had nothing to do with it. But she didn’t. When we were walking out of their office, she gave me a short apology, and acknowledged that I had nothing to do with it, but said nothing else. She actually started crying at that point, and even though I was still mad at her I tried comforting her before we went back into class.

As soon as class ended though, as I was walking out, she came and told me that she still thought it wasn’t just our fault. She also started saying more rude and rather spiteful things about our teacher and other students, and said she refuses to apologize. I just kind of said okay and let her walk away, and didn’t really think about it again until I got home. But as many other things started adding up to a bad day (this, bad grades, family problems) I ended up breaking. I eventually cried myself to sleep and knew that I wouldn’t stop stressing about this until I wrote about it.

My feelings about everything are still mixed. I’m still worried about my reputation with other students because of everyone seeing me involved in this. I’m still angry at my friend for not having my back through this, being blinded by what I consider to be pettiness and immaturity (although I haven’t said anything to her about my feelings. If she continues to complain to me or try to bring me into anything else, I will make clear that I do not want to be involved).

She disrespected a teacher. I don’t condone this kind of behavior. In my opinion, she needs to understand that there are some things she must obey whether she likes it or not, and that she needs to hold her attitude in line to figures of authority. Also, I think her anger is mostly unjustified. What my teacher was asking of us originally was not unreasonable. My friend was simply looking for an excuse to show defiance, and I got pulled in as a side-effect.

However I do still feel guilty because in a way, even though I was in no way rude to anyone, I did do one bad thing: I left without a legitimate reason. I didn’t know if there would be a book club meeting (there isn’t one that day, by the way) but I still told them there was because I was scared. I lied, and I feel terrible about it. From this whole situation, that is the one thing I will unconditionally apologize for. I’m sorry.

I don’t know where this situation will lead; if I’ll be getting into any more trouble, or if any other aspects of my life will be affected by this. I spent all of today jumping at every phone call, thinking it was the school calling my parents to tell them about all of this. Situations like this make me really look forward to just leaving everything behind, and heading off to college for a completely fresh start. The future is always a place for redemption, and the past is a way to learn from mistakes, and I’m grateful for both to help shape me into a person who’ll know better and do better next time.

Late Night Ramblings of a Sleep Deprived High-Schooler

24 Jan

The time was 1:40 a.m.

I had just finished my homework and was heading downstairs to print everything when I decided to take a look outside. My mom told me it had snowed, and that we might have a school delay tomorrow, but I hadn’t put too much faith in it because no snow days had really come through for us this year. But as I padded down the stairs, I slowed and took a look through my window: everything was covered in a thin layer of white. It was beautiful, and so calm. Not a single print had been made in the snow-the entire street and neighborhood was untouched. There was a blanket of snow covering everything with pristine whiteness. I cracked the door open, just to see it without the window’s obstruction; the outside was as silent as the inside of my house of sleeping family members. I felt like the entire world was resting, and I relished in the feeling of it just being me alone in this unmarked world, for even just a moment. It made me feel poetic (although this post is anything but) and it felt like the one of those moments where you just stop what you’re doing, and appreciate. Appreciate anything and everything-the beautiful things around you, having a roof over your head, access to an education…it doesn’t matter. It’s just so important to slow down and take it all in, whenever life is trying to pull you into a whirlwind.

As I am now on the brink of being done with the worst part of the school year, I think this is a good time to start re-evaluating things that are important to me. I look forward to taking it a little bit easier for the rest of the school year, and really create who I want to be and what mind-set I want to have before I set off for college. I can’t wait for the adventures life has yet to take me on, but I’m content with where I am now-all aspects of life are important and I don’t want to rush anything without getting the full value of it. High school is almost done, but I can still learn some valuable lessons while I’m here!

It’s about 2 a.m. now…and admittedly, this is quite a strange post. Hopefully school will be delayed tomorrow though! Hope you all are well.

When Your Mask Becomes Too Thick

24 May

So today I did something that I’ve absolutely never done before.

In all started innocuously enough; I casually mentioned to my friend that the only person who might be able to pick me up after school was my brother, since my parents were leaving today. I had already told her beforehand that my parents were going to be leaving town for a couple of days twice this year, this being the first. I told her it was for medical reasons, but she didn’t know the specifics.

My friends sitting at our table heard and asked why my parents weren’t going to be home, and started asking specifics. My closest friend, the one sitting next to me, had already found out the core of the problem two years earlier; that my dad had kidney troubles. I had to divulge the fact that he was being put on more donor lists and had to travel to hospitals in different states to everyone at the table. Then I had to sit there and endure everyone asking questions and asking if I was alright.

Don’t get me wrong; of course it’s a serious matter and of course I’m not happy about it. But as I sat there with a smile and waved each of their concerns away, they all stated the same thing. Wow, she doesn’t even really care. The thing is though, is that I have known about this problem for years. I have cried about it before, I have worried about it before, and I have pushed away the worst possibilities and chosen to in part ignore it and in part be optimistic. My parents like to keep the details away from me, and I let them.

But as I sat there, and listened to them tell me that it was okay and that it was okay to be sad, they forced me to think about it. They forced me to address something, that I only fret about once in a blue moon, right there at the table. They brought my attention to something I run away from, unless I’m in the safety of my room, hidden away from the world.

So I let them ask their questions as I mostly turned away and picked at my food, and they again noted that I wasn’t affected in the slightest. That’s when I got a bit concerned. Did they not notice how I was avoiding the situation and turning myself away? Did they not notice the extra sheen in my eyes, the giveaway that something was building behind them? Had my armor really gotten that thick that no one even noticed if anything was wrong anymore?

I am not the kind of person who openly shares deep concerns or emotions. I smile; everyday. I hide behind that smile. Maybe I think that if I just smile, everything will get better. And I never let it crack.

But today, a minute or two after attention had shifted, my friend turned to me and asked, “But are you okay? Really, are you okay?” I had been sitting there and letting their comments battle around in my head. My train of thought was getting out of hand and the inner turmoil was beginning. I smiled and then gave a little rueful laugh as my eyes started brimming with tears. Jokingly, I commented, “Too late now!”. And I started crying. Right in the middle of the cafeteria, in front of all of my friends. And I smiled the entire time, hastily wiping tears away as each of them escaped my eyes.

The thing is, it wasn’t even all about family troubles. Sometimes it feels like our bodies cease to communicate with thoughts; they just run on pure emotions. Small things build up inside until all you feel is a burning, or aching, in the pit of your stomach. And thinking about one bad thing is enough to get that ball of emotion raging inside of you, and that’s what can set a person off.

This week, I found out that I was rejected for a position I applied for. I took a practice SAT test and didn’t even improve since the last time I took one. My parents left for a three day trip. And as ridiculous as it sounds, a fictional character on a TV show got his future hopes and dreams crushed and all I could think about was how I could end up just like that. No plans, no chance at getting into a college like William and Mary or UVA, no leadership positions to put on my applications; nothing special about me. I have the confidence to admit that I’m good at a lot of things. Dancing, playing the violin, academics, writing. But I don’t excel at anything. I’ll never be the president or the leader or the master of a skill; I’ll always be in the back, simply adequate. When I used to approach tasks, I told myself that I would succeed but it would be okay if I failed. Now my mindset is I’ll probably fail, but hey, it’d be awesome if I actually succeeded. To be honest, my self-confidence has been shot for as long as I can remember. My social awkwardness, fear of basically everything, and insecurity have all stemmed from how uncertain I am in my ability to do anything or be anything.

I now sit here, typing (sorry, venting) all of my feelings before you as tears stream down my face as I address all of my darkest fears and insecurities. If one could express emotions as physical feelings, I would say anger is like a fire burning in your heart. Happiness is a lightness in your feet. And sadness is a drowning in your very own mind.

I’m so sorry for this ridiculously personal and angst-ridden post. This may make it seem like I’m chronically depressed or suicidal or something but honest to god, I’m not. I generally bounce between emotions often, so you can bet that in twenty minutes, I’ll be singing in the shower or something.

Are these emotions something that you guys can relate to? Have you ever realized that you’re so closed off from that world that even the people closest to you have no idea when you’re hurting? I’d love to hear your thoughts, and I hope you have a lovely day. And also, I’ve hit 11k views! I never would have imagined that that was possible when I started this blog a year ago, so thank you to all of my subscribers (who stay even when I never post) and random stragglers 🙂

Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, go wish one of my dearest friends happy birthday tomorrow (aka Friday)! Thomas, I really hope you don’t stumble across this post until at least Saturday so it won’t be a downer; if you do, sorry in advance!

Tumblr (He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?)

29 Jan

Ah, the woes of tumblr. For some, a perfectly normal and probably versatile site. For others (teenage girls and boys), it can be a highly addicting place of riots and fangirling.

This may need some explanation. A couple months ago, I made myself an account on tumblr. When I first made it, I didn’t really know much about it. I thought it was a blog site, much like wordpress. Oh, how I was wrong.

It’s a pretty simple site, really. Kind of confusing at first, not very explorable. I didn’t really know how to use it at first, and the search bars were confusing; it’s organized by most recent, not most popular. But then once I got the hang of it, I started following people (like a youtube subscription; I didn’t literally follow people -_-) and found that there are awesome things that people make or find; nostalgic sets of pictures or perhaps some behind the scenes footage of favorite movies and shows. But when I realized that there was a gargantuan Glee fan base on the site is when I got really sucked in. Oh, and by the way, I’ve heard that there may be a “fight club” rule about tumblr so I hope this isn’t upsetting anyone. (Although there are numerous youtube videos so I should be fine)

Anyways, tumblr has a way of making something normal into something to obsess over…Like many on the site say, “I used to be a normal fan. Then I found tumblr.”

Many people “fan-girl” or cry over things like fanfiction or song previews…I’m not really that emotional over characters but there’s nothing wrong with people who are. There are “riots” when some exciting spoiler is released or a favorite celebrity says or does something exciting. Thousands of pictures are posted of celebrities such as Darren Criss and even the Harry Potter gang. It can be quite overwhelming at times because of how enthusiastic fans can be.

I don’t think I’ll even be able to describe how tumblr manages to pull people in; it just has a naturally addictive quality. Perhaps it’s the lay-out, and how you can just keep scrolling down and finding an endless list of things to look at. Maybe it’s just an overwhelming experience for certain fandoms that have actual communities that you can be a part of; Glee, Starkid, Sherlock Holmes, Doctor Who, etc. Either way, this is what has been consuming my time as of late and causing my procrastination that I have previously spoken of. I’ve even started reading fanfiction; some are surprisingly good but if I’m going to be using up such large amounts of time on reading, it really should be on books.

So I’m not really sure what I was going for when I began writing this…I suppose it serves as a little insight to a great website and as an explanation of how I’ve been wasting my time. Try giving tumblr a try; as long as you don’t let yourself get sucked in it’s a great place to entertain yourself. If you already have one, link me to it so I can check it out! Here’s mine: http://curryforyourthoughts.tumblr.com/ (wow, what a creative username!) 😉

^One of the videos about tumblr. Gpoy 😉

Starting With Me

28 Dec

So, I’ve had a bit of a wake-up call recently. I haven’t been giving everything my all. Life is zooming by and I have accomplished nothing significant that I’m really and truly proud of.  I need to inspire myself and live a little, instead of letting every opportunity slip through my hands.

I need to start my life now. I feel like everything before hand has been some easy little dream. You can watch amazing videos on youtube of people doing incredible things, and you can read stories about monumental occasions, but no video or picture is going to live your life for you. I need to stop looking through this window at everyone else who’s living their life they way they want to, and I’ve got to live my own. That doesn’t involve sitting in front of the computer and wasting my time away. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying myself, but I have to realize there’s more than one outlet for those types of things. Life exists in my world; I need to go find it. I must broaden my horizons, live a little, you know?

My teachers this year in a certain AP class have talked to us a lot about thinking for ourselves. In Moby Dick the chapter Lee Shore was all about not conforming to society; you need to cast yourself away from the shore and be whomever you would like to be.

I’m a kid. I’m not fully grown. I have no idea who I am, or who I want to be. But that’s okay.

People are always saying inspirational things like “Find yourself.” But in my case, there’s no one to find. I have to create myself. Some people have already decided what kind of person they are, or what they want to be when they grow up. Sometimes I feel like life forces us to move too fast, because I have to decide my major in the next 3 years. But this isn’t just about occupation. This is about myself as a whole. Do I want to be someone who lazes around and isn’t always reliable? No. I want to be the person who gives everything their all. The person who lives with ambition and passion.

Sorry if this was a little preachy or too ‘motivational speaker’. I originally just wrote this for myself, and I had a proper opening but that was more personal, so sorry if the beginning seems to just jump right in. I hope I’ll be able to stay true to myself and open my eyes.

Napping?

30 Apr

Via sleepzine.com

 This has to be the most insignificant thing I’ve ever discussed.

Yesterday I took a nap. Normally I don’t take naps; I don’t really like them. You wake up and it’s suddenly dark outside, you’re completely disoriented, and very groggy. At least, that’s how I am whenever I take them. And yet for some reason yesterday, I was laying on my bed and reading a book when I just got kind of bored of it, so I turned the lights off and then I fell asleep. As soon as I woke up I took a shower, and it was practically 8 by then. But for some reason, I suddenly felt more productive. I went downstairs straightaway and got all my homework out. I got almost half of my Spanish homework done (although granted, it was only two pages of a workbook) and…well, that’s it. So conclusion? Naps kind of suck, because I couldn’t fall asleep again until 11:30 last night.

Short and sweet post? Maybe too short. Here’s a personal update: AP exam in 2 weeks, no studying has been done so far. Wish me luck, I’m doomed!