Tag Archives: school

Inadequacy

15 Apr

My eyes scan across the page. My eyebrows furrow as I desperately attempt to remember anything pertaining to what the question is asking. The book thumps as I toss it aside, uncompleted as I’m already reaching for the laptop. My eyes are blinking back tears.

My thought process? I can’t finish the homework-heck, I can barely begin it. Answering another question would be having to mark another question wrong later. How can I finish something when all that’s left to do after is find out how horribly I did?

For those of you who read my posts regularly, you know that I’ve made quite a few posts about procrastination. It’s been quite a problem in my life. But hopefully it hasn’t come across as whiny; I am making an attempt to discover the root of my problems and how to fix them. I believe that a large part of procrastination comes from not wanting to deal with failure.

I grew up believing that I was intelligent; in fact, I believed that I was very intelligent. I didn’t have that many friends, I wore glasses, I had braces, and most of my friends didn’t score or test as well as I did. All of those combined made me feel like quite a nerd, and as part of the package I considered myself smart. But as I got older, the classes became harder. In high school, I found people who not only did as well as myself, but better. I happened to become best friends with people who others regard as literally the smartest people in our grade. I was no longer on top.

The second horrible mix to the equation-I’m a very prideful person. I may write more about this later, but I absolutely loathe showing weakness to anyone. I  always try to hide sadness or immaturity, and for some reason I can’t stand letting others know if I’m suffering. Maybe I feel that it makes me pathetic. Maybe I feel that I lose some dignity or self-worth, or that I become something to pity if I’m weak in any way.

So when I’m faced with challenges in school that I don’t think I can overcome, my pride takes over and I simply stop trying. Some part of my brain is saying, isn’t it easier to never try than to look someone in the eye and be forced to tell them that I’ve failed? That I couldn’t do it? That I wasn’t smart enough, or adequate enough, to do what others can?

When other students can finish a homework assignment in 30 minutes that takes me an hour to do, I feel like an idiot. I beat myself up over having to struggle longer and harder on what others can do with ease. For some reason, a part of me equates time and effort to intelligence. If I’m staring work in the face that I’m having trouble understanding, I avoid it rather than attempt it. If I actually try at something, it’s giving others the ability to see my weak spots and potentially judge me for them. It’s like a clear road map of right and wrongs answers for others, saying “hey, this is what you’re better than me at”.

Part of this problem has morphed from the way the education system has been structured, and part of it is simply from my own insecurity problems. But finding a flaw is the first step to fixing it. I know deep down that intelligence isn’t the most important thing in the world. But in our society, it’s insanely difficult to avoid stimuli that do nothing but reaffirm that myth. I also know that getting jealous of others or upset that others are better at something I used to pride myself on is ridiculously pompous and, well, douchy. So here’s to hoping that bit by bit, I’ll truly accept that my self-worth is not defined by a letter or a number, but that I’ll be darned if I keep stopping myself from learning.

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Confessions of a Scared, Guilt-Ridden Teenager

25 Jan

I got yelled at today.

By two teachers. I know, I know; it’s not an end-everything moment. But for a student who’s tried to maintain the best standard in school with my grades and teachers, it hurt. A lot. Especially since it mostly wasn’t even my fault. But let me start from the beginning. (Please note that this is purely venting and a way for me to relieve my emotions. I’m a teenager; does that mean I’m qualified to mindless gossip posts once a year? I hope so!)

I’m in an after-school orchestra (which is a class, not an extra-curricular), as well as the music honor society at my school. The orchestra meets every Thursday for about 2 hours while the honor society has 3 meetings this year. Two of those 3 meetings fall on a Thursday. Since it’s all within the music department, there’s usually an agreement between teachers for us to leave the orchestra early and go to the honor society meetings late.

This Thursday was a day when the two would coincide; this was the first meeting for the music honor society. When class began, our teacher explained that she would like us to miss the meeting for the honor society, because we’re allowed to miss one meeting a year and we had a concert coming up very quickly. I had already been planning on leaving with my friend, but I immediately checked my agenda to see if I would miss the other two meetings, to see if I could stay. I noticed that the last meeting fell on a Tuesday in April…book club meetings were on Tuesdays. I panicked. I had no idea if that was a book club day or not, but I didn’t want to take any chances since I was on the board for book club. I figured it wasn’t that big of a deal.

When the halfway mark came for people to go to the meeting, people began standing up. My teacher started going through them one by one, asking for their reason for leaving, and telling them to sit down if it wasn’t good enough. I was still sitting; I looked to the friend I was going to leave with, and she gave me a determined look. We stood up and put our violins away, and right before leaving our teacher asked us what our reason for going was. There was a class of about 60 students watching.

I said I couldn’t go to the next meeting, and was about to say it was because of book club when my friend began talking. This is when it all went downhill.

My friend has been mad at my teacher for a while now; she doesn’t like the way the teacher acts or runs her class. So in front of the entire class, she said she was leaving because she didn’t know if she could make the other two meetings, and basically said it in a very rude and sassy way.

The teacher paused. She didn’t exactly start yelling, but gave her a lecture on priorities and said very passionately that she should have planned ahead of time and been responsible. When she finished, she turned away. I was stunned. I had no idea what to do. My teacher hadn’t asked me why I was leaving, and I hadn’t said one word of disrespect. But she had turned away already…so I left. My friend and I walked out and went to the meeting, and I spent the next half hour in a panicked, mortified daze.

The moment the meeting ended, I rushed to my teacher’s room and waited for her to come out. The moment she did, I explained that I hadn’t gotten a chance to say so earlier, but that I had a book club meeting during the third honor society meeting. She explained that I’ve always been responsible about these things and that she knows it wasn’t my fault. I went home that day relieved that she wasn’t mad at me, guilty because I wasn’t even sure if there was a meeting, and still embarrassed because of my friend.

Today in my regular orchestra class, my friend and I were asked to step outside the classroom. Waiting in their office were the band and choir directors. They explained that other students had come and told them about an altercation between us and our teacher before we left for their meeting. They gave us a very stern lecture and said how our behavior was inexcusable and that they would not allow two honor society members to tarnish the name of their honor society or use it as an excuse to get out of class. I stayed completely silent the entire time, nodding with wide eyes.  My friend started arguing back again, and they explained that we are not allowed to be disrespectful towards any teacher no matter what. They said our behavior was deplorable and that we were strongly encouraged to apologize to our teacher.

After about 2 minutes, they let us go back to class. My mind was reeling. Had none of the students told them that I hadn’t said a word during the entire altercation they saw? Had my teacher not let them know that I had already apologized to her and explained myself?

I didn’t tell them that it wasn’t my fault, because I didn’t want to basically blame everything on my friend, despite the fact that she was the disrespectful one. But since it was her fault, I expected her to step up and tell them herself that I had nothing to do with it. But she didn’t. When we were walking out of their office, she gave me a short apology, and acknowledged that I had nothing to do with it, but said nothing else. She actually started crying at that point, and even though I was still mad at her I tried comforting her before we went back into class.

As soon as class ended though, as I was walking out, she came and told me that she still thought it wasn’t just our fault. She also started saying more rude and rather spiteful things about our teacher and other students, and said she refuses to apologize. I just kind of said okay and let her walk away, and didn’t really think about it again until I got home. But as many other things started adding up to a bad day (this, bad grades, family problems) I ended up breaking. I eventually cried myself to sleep and knew that I wouldn’t stop stressing about this until I wrote about it.

My feelings about everything are still mixed. I’m still worried about my reputation with other students because of everyone seeing me involved in this. I’m still angry at my friend for not having my back through this, being blinded by what I consider to be pettiness and immaturity (although I haven’t said anything to her about my feelings. If she continues to complain to me or try to bring me into anything else, I will make clear that I do not want to be involved).

She disrespected a teacher. I don’t condone this kind of behavior. In my opinion, she needs to understand that there are some things she must obey whether she likes it or not, and that she needs to hold her attitude in line to figures of authority. Also, I think her anger is mostly unjustified. What my teacher was asking of us originally was not unreasonable. My friend was simply looking for an excuse to show defiance, and I got pulled in as a side-effect.

However I do still feel guilty because in a way, even though I was in no way rude to anyone, I did do one bad thing: I left without a legitimate reason. I didn’t know if there would be a book club meeting (there isn’t one that day, by the way) but I still told them there was because I was scared. I lied, and I feel terrible about it. From this whole situation, that is the one thing I will unconditionally apologize for. I’m sorry.

I don’t know where this situation will lead; if I’ll be getting into any more trouble, or if any other aspects of my life will be affected by this. I spent all of today jumping at every phone call, thinking it was the school calling my parents to tell them about all of this. Situations like this make me really look forward to just leaving everything behind, and heading off to college for a completely fresh start. The future is always a place for redemption, and the past is a way to learn from mistakes, and I’m grateful for both to help shape me into a person who’ll know better and do better next time.

Late Night Ramblings of a Sleep Deprived High-Schooler

24 Jan

The time was 1:40 a.m.

I had just finished my homework and was heading downstairs to print everything when I decided to take a look outside. My mom told me it had snowed, and that we might have a school delay tomorrow, but I hadn’t put too much faith in it because no snow days had really come through for us this year. But as I padded down the stairs, I slowed and took a look through my window: everything was covered in a thin layer of white. It was beautiful, and so calm. Not a single print had been made in the snow-the entire street and neighborhood was untouched. There was a blanket of snow covering everything with pristine whiteness. I cracked the door open, just to see it without the window’s obstruction; the outside was as silent as the inside of my house of sleeping family members. I felt like the entire world was resting, and I relished in the feeling of it just being me alone in this unmarked world, for even just a moment. It made me feel poetic (although this post is anything but) and it felt like the one of those moments where you just stop what you’re doing, and appreciate. Appreciate anything and everything-the beautiful things around you, having a roof over your head, access to an education…it doesn’t matter. It’s just so important to slow down and take it all in, whenever life is trying to pull you into a whirlwind.

As I am now on the brink of being done with the worst part of the school year, I think this is a good time to start re-evaluating things that are important to me. I look forward to taking it a little bit easier for the rest of the school year, and really create who I want to be and what mind-set I want to have before I set off for college. I can’t wait for the adventures life has yet to take me on, but I’m content with where I am now-all aspects of life are important and I don’t want to rush anything without getting the full value of it. High school is almost done, but I can still learn some valuable lessons while I’m here!

It’s about 2 a.m. now…and admittedly, this is quite a strange post. Hopefully school will be delayed tomorrow though! Hope you all are well.

Life…Purpose and Direction

1 Dec

So life has been kind of rough lately.

College deadlines are fast approaching, grade pressures are at an all time high, and anxiety permeates every part of my and other senior’s lives. I’ve been feeling like crap for the past few days and have cried more than I have in the past few months combined…and yet I can’t pinpoint an exact reason.

The SAT Subjects tests aren’t that important. I know that.

Grades aren’t worth beating myself up about them. I know that.

Application essays aren’t the deciding factor of my admission or my life. I know that.

And apparently, the college I go to for undergrad doesn’t even really matter that much. So why do I always spiral into never-ending whirlpools of self-loathing, fear, and doubt? Because when everything is individualized, I acknowledge that each is not life-or-death important. But once everything is combined, it’s suddenly a collection of my inadequacy. It’s proof on paper of how I can never be good enough, right there alongside my pathetic compilation of barely completed essays.

I know no one wants to read a self-thrown pity party. I am however going to take a segway real quick and try to figure out who I am really doing all this for-does my need for success stem from needing to please others, or myself?

I don’t think I really strive for success to please my parents-I’m actually getting a little fed up with their method of parenting. Neither of my parents really put any effort into seeing how I’m doing in school. Besides continually asking how much homework I have each night, they never prompt more when I always answer “some”-which is perhaps why I never offer more myself. They don’t inquire about upcoming tests or quizzes or help me with homework and studying, but still reprimand me when my grades aren’t so great. Today my father interrogated me on how much of my SAT review book I had gone through-an hour after I had already taken the test. As their child, I’m not a machine where they can press a button and expect a prize to come out without any effort on their part. They care, yet they don’t try. And regretfully, that attitude has been passed on to me.

I also don’t really feel like I’m mature enough to be aware if I strive for greatness for myself. When I picture getting 100’s in all my classes, I imagine pure joy. Yet when I snap out of the daydream, I don’t feel any renewed motivation to try harder in school. I don’t use stress as a motivator to push myself harder; stress to me is instead like a bulldozer, crushing me into the ground while I remain helpless. I don’t know if I’m simply unable to turn anxiety into a good thing, or if I just don’t because everything seems too hard-but every time I question whether I’m trying enough, I assure myself that it’s just laziness, which makes me feel even worse.

When I imagine getting into a bad school, all that comes to mind is all of my peers getting into better schools. That’s all I’ve become consumed with-not the value of my own education, but whether it’s good enough compared to everyone else’s. I do things to prove to myself and others that yes, I am capable. If I do bad on a test, I don’t feel bad if I know I still did better than everyone else in my class. I don’t live by looking at my life-I live looking at everyone else’s.

Anyways, what I’ve come to realize is that this mindset needs to stop. I don’t know where my self-confidence went, if I ever even had any at all, but I cannot let negativity permeate into my future, especially in college.

Everyone has felt inadequacy before. But what one does with his or her past is what defines his or her future. Whatever I do from this point forward, it should be for me. And I need to set some goals-and start coming up with reasons for why I strive to achieve them.

I hope that if any of you can empathize with my emotions here, that even if I can’t admit it to myself yet, you come to realize that nothing is worth too much stress. You do have self-worth and if you’re in the same habits as I am, stop comparing yourself to other people around you. College application season makes everyone painfully aware of the competition around them, and simply looking at people supposedly better than you is just taking a lit match to your own self-esteem.

My best regards for anyone feeling pressured, and I invite you to drop me a comment so I can see how many of you share the same feelings! As always, thank you so much for reading (:

Tumblr (He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?)

29 Jan

Ah, the woes of tumblr. For some, a perfectly normal and probably versatile site. For others (teenage girls and boys), it can be a highly addicting place of riots and fangirling.

This may need some explanation. A couple months ago, I made myself an account on tumblr. When I first made it, I didn’t really know much about it. I thought it was a blog site, much like wordpress. Oh, how I was wrong.

It’s a pretty simple site, really. Kind of confusing at first, not very explorable. I didn’t really know how to use it at first, and the search bars were confusing; it’s organized by most recent, not most popular. But then once I got the hang of it, I started following people (like a youtube subscription; I didn’t literally follow people -_-) and found that there are awesome things that people make or find; nostalgic sets of pictures or perhaps some behind the scenes footage of favorite movies and shows. But when I realized that there was a gargantuan Glee fan base on the site is when I got really sucked in. Oh, and by the way, I’ve heard that there may be a “fight club” rule about tumblr so I hope this isn’t upsetting anyone. (Although there are numerous youtube videos so I should be fine)

Anyways, tumblr has a way of making something normal into something to obsess over…Like many on the site say, “I used to be a normal fan. Then I found tumblr.”

Many people “fan-girl” or cry over things like fanfiction or song previews…I’m not really that emotional over characters but there’s nothing wrong with people who are. There are “riots” when some exciting spoiler is released or a favorite celebrity says or does something exciting. Thousands of pictures are posted of celebrities such as Darren Criss and even the Harry Potter gang. It can be quite overwhelming at times because of how enthusiastic fans can be.

I don’t think I’ll even be able to describe how tumblr manages to pull people in; it just has a naturally addictive quality. Perhaps it’s the lay-out, and how you can just keep scrolling down and finding an endless list of things to look at. Maybe it’s just an overwhelming experience for certain fandoms that have actual communities that you can be a part of; Glee, Starkid, Sherlock Holmes, Doctor Who, etc. Either way, this is what has been consuming my time as of late and causing my procrastination that I have previously spoken of. I’ve even started reading fanfiction; some are surprisingly good but if I’m going to be using up such large amounts of time on reading, it really should be on books.

So I’m not really sure what I was going for when I began writing this…I suppose it serves as a little insight to a great website and as an explanation of how I’ve been wasting my time. Try giving tumblr a try; as long as you don’t let yourself get sucked in it’s a great place to entertain yourself. If you already have one, link me to it so I can check it out! Here’s mine: http://curryforyourthoughts.tumblr.com/ (wow, what a creative username!) 😉

^One of the videos about tumblr. Gpoy 😉

Teenagers Annoy Me

25 Aug

Hypocritical, I know. I AM a teenager. But seriously, sometimes my generation gets me very bothered. (For example, after the East coast earthquake EVERY persons status was a variation of “ahhh, earthquake!” It’s like, thank you, I really needed to hear that from each and every one of you to understand the seriousness >.>)

funny facebook fails - Annoying Facebook Girl: East Coast Quake Edition

 

 

Anyways, what’s bothering me at the moment is how everyone liked the earthquake; everyone wants disaster to strike. They’re excited about it! One friend who I will not name: “I hope the hurricane destroys the school!”

Okay, no. There are so many problems with that. I get the idea; school gets delayed, vacation guys! Woohoo! But seriously, we’re not in elementary school. Start using your head. What if there were workers inside the building? Do you have any idea how much the repair for damages could cost? We live in one of the richest counties in the COUNTRY; we are lucky. If it got destroyed, they would find a way to still make us have an education, and they’d most likely build a much worse school to get us learning faster. Then we’d have a terrible school with no resources, zapped funds, and raised taxes for the county, even for your parents. Devastation isn’t fun and games.

Another friend: “We never have earthquakes or hurricanes though! I wish there were more! Isn’t it so exciting?” No, I answered her. Potential injuries, losses counting up to millions of dollars, and even deaths are exciting? Looking back, yes, the earthquake was exciting. But it was only exciting because there was barely any damage or injuries. We can’t be lucky like that every time; stop wishing potential danger on our heads just so you can say you’ve experienced a natural disaster!

 

Ending note: I can be stupid. I can be immature. And this blog post probably makes me sound like a prude to anyone I’ve addressed or many people my age. But even I can say that when nature’s pointing a gun at your head, playing Russian Roulette, grow up and stop smiling at it.

Summer Has Begun!

17 Jun

School’s finally out and now it’s summertime! Honestly, every year I end up spending more time on the computer or watching t.v. than doing something worthwhile. And come on, every year we all tell ourselves that ‘this year is going to be different! This year I will have the best summer ever!’ only to end up doing the same thing as before. Well, this is me saying that I will not let this summer die away as the computer screen burns itself into my retinas; or I am at least crossing my fingers before making a realistic goal, like how I will try to see friends more and get out of the house more often.

Here is a list of things I want to do this summer, although truthfully it’s more for me than for you to read. This is my way of motivating myself and keeping track of what I want to do, but if it ends up helping you too, than that’s great! ^_^

~Write

~Blog

~Read

~See friends more

~Call other people more often instead of waiting for something to magically happen

~Plan a vacation for my family; don’t let them cancel it

~Go to the pool, even if its by myself

~Eat better and exercise more. Maybe find a dance class

~Search employment options; tutoring, babysitting, pet watching

~Ride bike (random story time: someone stole my bike last year because I left it in my driveway T_T. Now I have to ride my brothers. Sigh.)

~Practice driving

~Become more social, responsible, focused, and outgoing (is that too unrealistic to set as a goal? I’ll try, anyways)

~Do summer homework, don’t wait till last minute. Sigh.

~If I think of anything, I’ll add it here

(By the way this isn’t in order based on importance, because honestly blogging wouldn’t be that high up if it was ^_^; no offense!)

Okay, bye guys! Hopefully; no, definitely, I’ll see more of you each week. I will stop myself from procrastinating or not doing something because at this point, I should be sick and tired of watching my life pass me by. I can become a better person, and this summer is the opportunity I’m going to take to become one!

Wow, I sound like a motivational speaker. Really, I’m just gonna do my best to have fun; isn’t that what it’s all about?

**By the way, because of summer my facebook has been bombarded with everyone feeling the need to say it’s summer. You know no idea how close I was to typing “Really? It’s summer? I didn’t know, thank you everyone for making your statuses all say the same thing.”